domingo, dezembro 26, 2010 | By: Katherine Elizabeth de Orleans e Bragança

Too high expectations lead us to...

It's just pathetic the fact that i've had dreams, three nights in a row, with the same person, the italian guy. And the only way that this could get more pathetic than it is, is how it has been happening in the last few days, after I had those dreams. I've been daydreaming about him. I mean, imagining us as a couple not only while sleeping but also when awake? I couldn't be more ridiculous. The guy isn't real - I've been trying to convince myself - and doesn't love you. But do I love him? Well, I haven't seen him since that night, and I suppose I should before deciding such a thing. But I have quite few arguments against the possibility of this love, and as I said previously, he's not real. He's not because if he was I would know something else about him that it's not the fact that he's Italian and he's in Italy right now, to celebrate Christmas. But I don't. I have no idea of who he is, what does he like, what does he dislike, what is his favorite food, if he likes TV series, if he prefers horror movies or action movies, or even perhaps, love movies... Here I come again, with that 'love' thing. How inconvenient and non-pleasurable am I? A lot. 
It is decided, I don't love him. And I couldn't even if I wanted. He's a good kisser, though... Not that this have anything to do with what I said until now. Maybe a little bit. Ok, forget it. I just needed to tell someone about it. 
Merry Christmas then!
I didn't have the chance to say this yet. The dinner was at my place this year, we made everything as close to perfect as possible. I don't want to be egocentric and stuff, but some people would classify our decoration, food and clothes, as perfect. I would join them.
As last year, we did a little game very popular in Brazil, 'Secret Friend'. My sister was the one who 'picked the paper' with my name. That actually happened with a little help of technology, that made the sortition, without any paper. So, I put up several options for presents on the site. However, she decided that those were awful choices, so she gave me something that SHE likes. I mean, wasn't the present for me? Wasn't I - supposedly - the one who should like it? How selfish someone can be to do that in Christmas? And in front of the rest of the family, I couldn't just say 'I hated it', I had to smile and say 'I loved it', even if I wanted to cry in the inside thinking that my own sister ruined the holiday for me. The worst part was to say for her that I wanted to change it at the store, but what crossed my heart was when she tried to convince me that this was a great present and gave me several reasons why I should be grateful that she gave me it because nobody would ever think about that again. And I just wanted to scream 'I hated, I won't use it, you will'. Although she said the last part herself, saying that she will borrow it next Carnival. And that only made me think again and again that this was for her, she won two presents, and I none. 
I'm crying right now, while writing, and some people may think that I'm a fool and I shouldn't care for material things. But is giving a present to someone thinking how you can use it in the best way, the most generous act to do? I thought Christmas was about thinking in someone before you. I don't hate my sister or anything, and I don't know if she wasn't thinking right and maybe she would change her mind if there was time. All I know, is that she wasn't the best sister ever this December 25th. 

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